I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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