Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
