Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
