Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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