Someone shit on the floor
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t yaâ€
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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