Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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