I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
