Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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