Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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