True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
