I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
this boner is exhausting
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
