new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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