hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
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I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
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I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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