I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
