he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
