alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
