hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
