You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The feeling are messing with the penis
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
