FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
