I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
