I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
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today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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