Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
