Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
