I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
