That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
