I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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