I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
