if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
FUCK WHALES
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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