I never want to see another naked old woman again.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
