The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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