Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
