i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
