Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
