NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
