I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
