you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
