we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
