I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
