is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
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Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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