i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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