Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
