it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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