the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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