i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
