Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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