how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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