dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
