My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
