I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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