So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
