do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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