You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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