This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
