when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
