I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
