Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
