To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
